Romance Is Scary
I grew up in the 90’s rom-com era and absolutely loved every single second of it. I would watch Sleepless in Seattle, When Harry Met Sally, You’ve Got Mail, and a hundred others over and over again.
I don’t need to belabor a point you’re probably already familiar with: the cultural myth that romance saves you, heals you, and gives your life meaning is unhelpful at best — and completely devastating at worst.
In my own marriage, this idea quietly hurt me. Because when I wasn’t experiencing constant butterflies or cinematic connection, I thought:
Maybe I married the wrong person.
Cue panic.
Maybe I was doomed to live a very un–Meg Ryan-like life — lonely, wondering if it could have been different.
Fast forward to coaching so many young adults who grew up with a more complex but equally intense message:
“You DESERVE romance. Doubt means don’t. If you’re not feeling it, move on until you find what you’re looking for.”
Different message. Same hopeless outcome.
They find themselves with perfectly lovely partners — but without the 100% passion and certainty they were told they deserved, they burn it down. Again and again. And end up more confused than ever, with a trail of burnt bridges behind them.
Here’s the twist that surprised me, and changed my life:
If healthy attachment was not the norm for you growing up…
If you didn’t have caregivers who were consistently attuned to your physical and emotional needs…
If love wasn’t modeled as safe, steady, compassionate connection…
Then when you experience something that actually looks like healthy love as an adult…
Your nervous system may read it as unfamiliar.
And unfamiliar feels like danger.
And when something feels dangerous, we get creative. (We are Creatives after all, right?)
We come up with reasons.
We hyper-analyze.
We label normal growth invitations as red flags.
We convince ourselves we’re betraying ourselves if we stay.
There’s a name for this: relationship anxiety.
The good news?
It’s healable.
This week on the podcast, I have my husband, James, with me to talk about the real ups and downs of our own journey, and how focusing on healing individually led us home to each other.
We’re messy. We’re imperfect. We’ve had doubts and fear and hard seasons.
But we also know what gets in our way now.
And how to move through it.
And the honest to God truth (however annoying it may be)…
We are pretty much obsessed with each other.
If this is what you want, I want it for you too, and I want to encourage you that its so possible. Check out the episode here if you’d like to hear our story.
As always, stay loved! Let’s keep learning how to let love in, okay?
Courtney
P.S. If you’ve been feeling anxious, symptomatic, or stuck in self-protection, I created something specifically for that. Rehearsing Goodness is a brain retraining resource designed to help you heal and increase your internal sense of safety. Inside, you’ll find three guided meditations (5, 10, and 20 minutes) and simple journal prompts to help you rehearse feelings of safety, peace, and possibility — so your nervous system can step out of survival and return to healing. You can learn more about it here.
ALSO, I deeply believe (and have seen again and again in my work with clients) that healing happens in safe connection. If you’re ready to go deeper in your healing or creative journey, I have a few private coaching spots available and would be honored to support you. Just reply to this email if you’d like to explore that or book a discovery call here.