Cool is Killing You
I have had several clients lately telling me about their deep seated fear of being cringe. And as hard as they try to be cool, chill, and nonchalant, the insecurity grows.
These are artists at varying levels of success, some on massive stages, some just starting out, and each one meeting the end of the pursuit of cool and the beginning of true belonging. And thank God.
Trying to be cool is just the management system you put in place to keep a younger version of you safe from embarrassment: the fear of you getting kicked out of the tribe. It’s primal wiring to belong, of course, but here’s the truth that will set you free:
When you know that you belong to yourself, to God, and that every part of you is deeply loved (we call this integration!), I swear the world open up. YOU open up.
That unsettling feeling that there’s more for you, more connection, expression and purpose; it’s not wrong. And it doesn’t mean you’re not enough as you are… It’s the opposite.
The more you know how deeply loved every part of you actually is, the more fun it becomes to discover and uncover your authentic self and chase your dreams at a sustainable pace…
…and the less you care about what people think about it.
Here are a few ways to begin healing what’s in the way of you becoming your most lit-up self and let go of the exhausting fear of being uncool:
I want you to imagine the kindest person you can think of sitting with love and compassion for the parts of you that you feel most disgusted, embarrassed, or ashamed of. This is heavy lifting, but if you can get into a practice of doing this, it will change your life and free you to show up fully.
Start telling your story—your real story. It doesn’t have to be public, even just journaling it for yourself is great. (If you do want to share it publicly, in the age of AI, we need human beings telling their honest stories more than ever!). This has the benefit of you appreciating all that you’ve been through, and collecting wisdom as you retell it. As you do this, remember: everyone has a story and we’re all connected. No one “doesn’t belong.” We’re all doing our best.
Enjoy yourself. What do you authentically enjoy? Notice when you feel connected, when you love your own outfit, when you feel the sun on your skin and feel alive in your body, when you are laughing until you cry with your friends (or crying until you laugh). Take a minute to say “here I am!” and notice how that feels.
Find people that understand you. A therapist, a coach, a group. Teach those ashamed parts of you that everything is mentionable, figure-outable, and lovable. It’s where the real freedom is.
We are in the business of unshaming all of you—that’s the path. That’s where your most vibrant and unworried expression and momentum comes from. That’s where you experience the true freedom from trying to be cool all the time.
As someone who struggled for years with intense anxiety and depression and thought I could fix it by looking the part of “the most popular girl in the room” (it never ever worked) and genuinely thought I’d be there forever, I can tell you that life on the other side is quite delicious. What a relief.
It was never about figuring out how to look the part or be included. It was never about being cool. It was always about feeling safe to show up fully, no matter what.
Looking to uncover what’s in your way and be seen and supported on your journey home?
Get my entire Heal/Create Studio when you book a deep dive session with me.
OR
Get on the waitlist for my Heal/Create Collective.
— Court