Viral Post and the Holy Ghost
So, a post of mine went viral.
Over 1.5 million people viewed a video I put up on Instagram about being a worship leader who doesn’t fully align with all of Christian theology. I now know that the way I worded it was pretty rage-baity, but at the time, I genuinely posted it with naivete that even surprises me, only a week later.
I literally sat on my couch with a cozy blanket while sipping tea, writing my story about my personal relationship with the practice of worship, then closing my laptop like a dummy, no idea what was going to happen.
My buddy came over that morning and said “um, do you know this post is up to like 200,000 views.”
“wait WHAT?!” We watched the engagement skyrocket from there.
I had hoped my post would meet a few others in a similar boat, with compassion and belonging.
Instead, there were hundreds of comments, ranging from some affirmation, to requests for clarity, and mostly comments of actual disgusting hate, attacks, and threats. I asked my assistant (shout out to my girl, Moriah) to take over and delete the incredibly vile comments to give my own nervous system a break.
No wonder so many of us are too afraid to admit where we’re at in our faith. For those that claim the blood of Jesus is enough, many of them are out for blood when it comes to those who disagree.
Something I feel passionately about is helping people feel more at home in the Christian church, even if they’ve landed in different spaces than what Western Evangelicalism believes and promotes, even if they wrestle with and manage triggers around being in Christian spaces. If you have a part of you that still wants to be here, still feels like this dysfunctional family is a home you’d like to stay connected to somehow, you belong.
The irony of sharing that message of belonging, and my own journey with it, and having hundreds of people tell me I need to step down, leave, or that I’m not one of “them”… Hundreds of Christians telling me I don’t belong, that I’m not doing this faith thing the right way, while simultaneously arguing with each other in the comments sections about exactly what that right way is.
Sigh…
Here’s what I know:
Kind people spread kindness. Scared people spread judgment and hate.
Curiosity is allowed from others, but you do not have to justify why you belong anywhere. You get to be you, with as little or as much explanation as you feel inspired to give. If you sense people are looking for more of a fight than a genuine understanding of who you are and where you’re at in your journey, say “nope” and bless them on their way.
The only people Jesus got mad at were the ones who told other people how to be close to God. Asking questions, wrestling, and deciding differently (theologically, politically, etc.) than the culture you grew up in is very often a major part of natural development, and shouldn’t be feared or shamed, but welcomed! You’re here to grow, baby!
If you don’t feel safe or inspired to belong to the church because of some of the obvious toxicity, I totally get it. The good news is there are a million places to connect to God and others in beautiful, life-giving ways, outside of church.
If you do feel inspired to be connected to the church, to any degree (or a part of you does), you should know that I talk to people all the time who are just like you. Even as they heal church hurt and trauma, even as they unlearn dysfuntional beliefs, they still feel at home in this faith tradition, and we all deserve to stand our ground against the angry, judgmental, and fearful voices that are nervous about our questions. There are so, so many more of us than any of us realize. And they do not get to bully us out of where we choose to be.
(- Also, the name Israel means “to wrestle with God” and was given to Jacob as a gift for his journey with the divine. This faith tradition has a long history of wrestling with God, guys!)
“Courtney, the backlash you got is EXACTLY why I never want to share about my faith journey, even though I feel closer to God than ever before.”
I got this a lot, and I get it.
And this is the exact reason why we all feel so alone. I don’t know how else to say it—this is letting the hate and fear win. Although it was a doozy for me and a big stretch for my nervous system, my prayer was, “God, just let this make me stronger.” And it is—I already see evidence.
Every genuine journey should be celebrated. Every person should be seen and loved in their authenticity, including you. My hope is that I show people not only how to step safely toward their authentic, glorious, truest selves, grounded in their own belovedness as a well loved child of God, but also how to navigate it when things get loud and feel scary.
I already feel more determined than ever to not only be my full self, but share my journey in hopes that it helps others feel less alone, and more welcomed into the actual family of God.
It’s all worth it.
Stay loved,
Courtney